May 2012
1 post
death in the heart of my seven year old...means...
I was sitting on the bench on the playground while my son was talking to his friends. Something was up, I didn’t really know what. I hear his friend say “has anyone ever felt the way I’m feeling?” he says this with the drama that only 7 year old boy can. So what do I do…move closer. I need to hear this…I get a little giggle as they talk about feelings, and...
April 2012
1 post
4 tags
I don't care
I don’t care how scary your birth story was…I don’t care if your daughters shoulder got stuck while coming out…that her heart rate dropped once…I don’t fucking care. Because right now…I see your beautiful six year old girl doing a cartwheel. You know what I have? I have an urn in a bookcase. Don’t try to get more emotion out of me by adding drama...
March 2012
3 posts
4 tags
One thing I got out of nursing...
9 years. 9 years I have said and held fast to the belief that my son would be better off in my arms. For 9 years for those who gave me pity, and patted my shoulder and said..its for the best…I would always respond..NO, NO ITS NOT. Davids best would be in my arms, we would have given him quality of life, we would have given him everything and he would have known no difference. For 9 years...
failure
I failed my nursing semester. by 5 points. 5 points that were suppose to be mine, but because of some stupid infighting got taken from me. I feel like a failure. I failed myself, my husband, my family.
This isn’t the first time I have felt like a failure, sure it won’t be the last. I am devastaed. I don’t know how to get out of this funk. yes, I can repeat the...
January 2012
1 post
grey's 8x10
angelmommy:
that was so fuckin hard to watch. I literally held my breath throughout the epi. there was a preemie, and just too much death and ‘extraordinary measures’. aaargh dammit feels like im having flashbacks of that day, again.
I stopped watching ER after David died. Alot of my TV/movie habits changed..why punish myself with sad story lines? I only in the past few yrs have I allowed...
December 2011
6 posts
2 tags
New Years Eve
holidays suck when you are grieving.
My first year without David, I tried so hard to be strong. I went to Christmas dinner, hid in the bathroom a few times to cry, wiped my tears and walked on out. My immune system was low…and I held a sick kid, and guess what…I threw up every 30 minutes on a 3 hour car ride back home. It sucked.
I tell you this because I don’t want you...
1 tag
Motherhood and Then Some: I stood where you are... →
motherhoodandthensome:
A mothers heart cannot unknow what it knows. It cannot come clean to a place where only healthy children live. Where tragedy does not strike and life takes the imagined road.
We all dream one. An imagined road. From the second we’re pregnant, the baby is born. We envision all sorts of…
I love the last paragraph…knowledge does weigh heavy on my heart, and...
7 tags
worst cliches for grief...
God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
I hate that quote more than words can say. The first time I read it, I thought it should bring me strength…I didn’t understand why it didn’t. When people would say to me “your so strong, I would just die if I lost a child” sounded petty to me..not helpful. Finally I understood why that quote made me feel worse...
6 tags
silentgrief.com
this website helped me survive my first year of grief…its been over 9 yrs…hoping its still around and can help others
4 tags
Davids Tree
I have a silver ornament tree that I bought the first year without david. Every year I take it out, set it up, add ornaments and feel some peace, but also still so very sad. I have a stocking with David’s name on it too. This year, my kids decided to help me unpack the christmas stuff…and they found Davids stocking…my son asks “who’s David?” punch in the...
its been awhile
Haven’t felt up to it…This past semester I have felt continually abused between OB and pediatrics. But I am still here. Functioning.
September 2011
7 posts
5 tags
Happy Moment!
Left the house today, a wreck, as posted…but I decided to get out of my house and go look fo storm trooper costume for my son…I FOUND ONE! Not just anyone, but the nice storm trooper costume, that is normally $40. Found it at goodwill for $7…YEA! Found an entire Bobba Fett costume for 8.50 at Once upon a child….so very happy! Now, I just need to find a princess leia...
I'm a wreck
I put on a good act at school…did my test, did what I needed to do..came home and now I can’t stop crying.
I hate that my son died. I hate that I have to do this fucking class.
I want to be a nurse. I have to do this…in the long run, its for the best…at least thats what I’ve been told.
6 tags
Brave face
So I put on a brave face yesterday…did what I needed to do. I was a good grieving mother. Told everyone it was ok, and I’m allright. I’m not. I feel beaten and abused. I just want to curl into a ball and stay there for a very long time. I haven’t grieved this much in years.
I am normal. Yes, its been years, since Davids death, but still…to have this wound...
4 tags
Dark humor
I got to watch a birth yesterday…it was amazing. I was so excited, and nervous…I looked at the parents with awe…and yes, I’ve given birth myself 3 times - and yet I stood their in disbelief in what I was watching. It was beautiful. As I watched the baby come out - he was blue…my eyes turned into saucers and I held my breath..waiting for his cries, they didn’t...
5 tags
Hypocrisy of 9/11
We Will Never Forget - Always Remember
I find that an odd sentiment from a society that urges us to get over the death of our loved ones.
For those of us on any given day who has a loved one die for any reason…no one wants to hear our grief. We are to remain silent in our mouring, so no one hears our cries. We are told to carry on…don’t look back…the past is the...
5 tags
Peds class
Trying to gain my composure after Peds class. I knew OB would kick my butt…but its Peds that made me cry in class. I would like to be the one who raises my hand with the story that starts sad but ends with OH - BUT HE’s 7 now, and everythings great instead of…he died, he’d be 9 in Nov.
5 tags
anger issues
yes, my baby boy died. He was terminal. If I lived in the land before ultra sounds and prenatal care…I could leave it at that. But since I don’t…I want to scream. I’m in nursing school, and have ob rotation right now. I dreaded it…knowing it would bring back memories…and keep David at the surface for the full 5 wks. I’ve been doing good, I was even...
July 2011
1 post
4 tags
Honestly, seriously, is this a baby? →
truthfully, I didn’t click beyond what I read. I have no need to see any pics of a stillbirth, since I’ve already seen so many because of my friends whose babies have died.
I never fully understood late term abortion. I always thought how horrible. Even as a pro-choice person, I was never onboard for late term abortion. I always felt that it was a slap in my face, a stomp on my...
May 2011
1 post
